You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
