Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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