Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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