You're my little dorito
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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