Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
