please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
