You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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