Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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