I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
