I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
