"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Vodka?
Forever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
