she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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