What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
