I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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