i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
