I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
