I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
