I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
