Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
