My room smells like vodka and shame
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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