Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
