Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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