Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
