the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
