Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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