My hand turned me down
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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