I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
