Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
