just come out here and I will go home with you...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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