I wish I could teleport
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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