the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
