I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
