Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
is wine microwaveable?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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