Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
