So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
