I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
