My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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