I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
