i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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