I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
