i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
