you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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