the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
