i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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