Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
