EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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