You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
