Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
