I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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