FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We need to get me chipped asap
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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