On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
