pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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