im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
