Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
