Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
