You can't special order awesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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