chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My feet surprised me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize