i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
