once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
this is an emotional support booty call
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
