Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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