Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
